Celebrian
by Lossenrhos
Summary: Celebrian tells her story


Celebrian  
  
The arrow hurtled into me, spearing my shoulder. My horse reared in terror as the orcs leapt out from behind the boulders. Rough hands seized me by the back of the neck pulling me off my horse, pushing me face downwards into the thick black November mud. My mouth filled with the thick cloying substance, chocking away my screams. A noisome stench filled my nostrils as the creature crouched over me, leering. It seized me by the hair and dragged me up into a kneeling position in the mud. My eyes watered with pain but I refused to cry out. It spoke in a harsh ugly dialect that was utterly alien to me. I spoke loudly, in the common speech  
  
"What do you want?" The other orcs began pawing through the saddlebags on my mare. The horse whimpered with fear.  
  
"Gold, is that what you want?"  
  
I unclipped my purse and gave it to the creature. It merely laughed, tossing the purse to the others behind it.  
  
"Please let me go. I have children-I-" My voice trailed away as I met their hard, unsympathetic gazes. Orcs knew no mercy; I must expect none.  
  
"I beg of you, if you will but set me free, I shall ensure that you are well rewarded for your pains." I hated bargaining with such creatures, but if it bought me my freedom...  
  
Another orc stepped forwards. Thrusting its repulsive face into mine it spoke  
  
"How can we trust your promises, Elf?"  
  
I drew myself up proudly.  
  
"I am Celebrian, daughter of Celeborn and Galadriel of Lothlorien. By the Valar I swear I do not lie to you."  
  
The face of the orc twisted with spite  
  
"Indeed?" He struck me roughly across the face. "That's for your insolence." He gripped my chin forcing my gaze upwards to meet his.  
  
"We will humble your pride and spoil your precious beauty, She-Elf" He spat in my face.  
  
"Get moving."  
  
The next few weeks were the worst of my life. Although my wound had healed, I could feel the arrow's poison running cold in my veins, weakening my resistance, tainting my reason. I was forced to march barefoot for many miles over the mountains, beaten if I tarried or tried to reason with my captors, insulted in the most effective manner known to these dim-witted creatures. It seemed to cause them great pleasure to see me reduced, humbled. I was utterly in their power. Worst of all was my torment in imagining the anguish my husband and children would feel when they learnt of my capture.  
  
Slowly, after several days of grinding torture and humiliation, I began to withdraw into myself. I shut out everything around me, blocking out my own thoughts and emotions until I existed only in a blank empty white world of my own creation. I no longer tried to speak, nor did I recognise the words of those around me. When I opened my eyes I did not register what I saw. My body was numb and lifeless- I no longer felt the orc's torture. I did not resist the orcs or attempt to escape. I did not try to defend myself. I simply willed myself ceaselessly not to exist.  
  
I do not remember my rescue. By that time I had sunk so deep into my torpor that I could not distinguish friend from foe, foul orc from Elf kind.  
  
When I began to come to myself I found I was in that place I had once called home, Rivendell. I was lying in a strange bed. A man stood over me, speaking words in a tongue I no longer recognised.  
  
He knelt down beside, gently stroking my cheek with long cool fingers  
  
"Celebrian? Do you remember me? Your husband, Elrond?"  
  
A tear trickled down his cheek. I turned my face away.  
  
"Please, Celebrian, speak to me."  
  
No. He talked some more but I had shut his words out. What were they but sounds, hollow and meaningless, no different from the grunting of an orc.  
  
"Mother?" A sweet voice gentle and soft as the sea breeze.  
  
"She cannot recognise you, Arwen."  
  
"Is there- is there nothing you can do?"  
  
"I am afraid- she is beyond my aid. Her spirit wanders far from mine and I cannot reach her."  
  
A shape lent over me, soft dark tresses brushed my cheek.  
  
"Oh mother, don't leave me, I beg you."  
  
A voice so full of pain and pleading, for a moment I almost- no, just a voice, mouthfuls of air, nothing, no one. Can't you understand, I'm nothing, a shell, a broken shell, I'm nothing to you so please please grind me into the dust and leave me, oh please leave me alone.  
  
The girl bent down and kissed my cold unfeeling cheek. Her eyelashes brushed my face like a butterfly beating its wings against my heart, longing for a love that was not in me, not anymore. You're mother is dead, child.  
  
So it was for many long days. People came and went, always wanting, always demanding from me something I was not able to, did not want to give. Even walking in the gardens gave me no pleasure. The birds that screeched out discordant songs, the trees hissing at me words of anger and pain, the seething brook that longed to choke me- can't you even love your own children? All the beauty of Rivendell, which had once delighted me, no longer had any power to move me.  
  
Looking in the mirror. I saw myself, every detail etched clear and sharp upon my memory and yet I could make no sense of what I saw. Hair hanging lank and uncared for around a face that did not, could not belong to me. Dry burning eyes with dark purple circles under them, the colour of congealed blood. Bitten, bleeding lips. A scar across one cheek, a thin dark red crescent gash, like a goblins grin...  
  
They were just shapes, features which did not seem to fit together in my mind to form one picture. I could form no impression of myself.  
  
Celebrian's sons came to me, trying to shake my soul out of it's death sleep, but they could not reach me. Their quiet pain meant nothing to me, ribbons twisting in the wind, a ripple in eternity. Her mother, beautiful terrifying mother whose eyes pierced through me like spears aimed at my heart. But my heart is a heart of stone and cannot be opened.   
  
It was her who first suggested I should leave.  
  
"She cannot remain here. She must sail West. It is her only hope."  
  
"What will we do without her?" Elrond's despair echoed through my mind.  
  
"There is nothing for her here any longer."  
  
A black speck in the distance growing closer and closer, forming itself into a white shape, wings outstretched, mouth opened in a wide scream. It is the cry of my lost soul.   
  
"Bird." I whisper. It is the first word I have uttered for months.  
  
"Yes, mother, it's a seagull." Arwen smiles at me through her tears. There is still hope in her eyes; she still believes I could come back to her. Gently Galadriel lays a hand on her arm. She knows better.  
  
The ship is here. I climb aboard, and do not look back at the small group of people watching from the shore. My family huddle together in the blue-grey dawn, mourning for Celebrian, wife and mother, who will never return. I do not look at them but at the wide sighing, singing sea in front of me. We rush forwards, skimming through the waves, and at last my heart begins to beat again. The rising sun catches the tears on my face and I smile. 


End file.
